Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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