So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
