No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
