Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
