i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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