As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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