Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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