Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
