I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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