Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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