Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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