i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
