Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
