As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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