I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
