You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
