dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
