Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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