I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
