I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
is wine microwaveable?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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