All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
