Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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