I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
What a fucking waste of an outfit
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
