so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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