I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
