I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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