Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
