Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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