i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
