My nipple is on Facebook.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
