Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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