finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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