ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Houston, we have a blender
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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