My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
