Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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