So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I supernannyed him into submission
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
