Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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