Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
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