Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
