Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
