I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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