pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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