My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
