How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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