it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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