His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
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I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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