I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize