I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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