You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
