Got a toothbrush?
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
