have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
