so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
