Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
