He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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