I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize